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Guess What?! [Jun. 24th, 2007|12:08 am]
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[Tags|, ]
[Current Location |Bellevue]
[mood |bouncybouncy]
[music |Macromantics]

People have stopped sending me shit emails... maybe because they fear my indirect vitriol via this page. God I hope it lasts!

Anyway here are some things you could do to make an idiot out of yourself in public... which ones are your favorite?

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trollies when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Electronics to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the toilets.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone,
" 'Code 3' in the warehouse".... and see what happens.

5. Go to customer services and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask,
"Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. Look right into the security camera & use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti - depressants are. (yeh we don't have these in this country do we?)

11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through,
say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream..
"NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!

16. Get several bouncy balls and throw them down an aisle shouting "go, pikachu, go!"
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Stupid chain emails and posts, made by stupid people! [May. 19th, 2007|02:22 pm]
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[Tags|, ]
[Current Location |Bellevue]
[music |ticking clock]

1. OMFG?!?!?!! Microsoft is going to start charging for hotmail. This little gem usually takes the form of a mass email one of your idiot friends sent. Because if you send it to at least 18 people your little msn guy will turn blue!... the significance of that, I am not sure. Perhaps blue is the new I'M A FUCKING RETARD COLOUR! The email even provides you with a link (http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/business/1189119.stm)
Those without special needs will be able to spot pretty quickly that it is out of date and under "see also" 08 mar 06, "thousands fall for hotmail prank". That figure is not reassuring.

2. This one is more meme-like in nature so you will be most likely to find it on a myspace bulletin board or live journal post. The adding up loads of stuff surrounding the september 11th twin towers thing, it all adds up to 11, that is apparantly spooky. My favourite is 5) The two twin towers make an "11" Coincidence? YES! YES IT'S A FUCKING COINCIDENCE!!!!

3. Those sympathy chain letters, urg! Is it supposed to be heart warming? Fuck off Anthony Parkin, you made up piece of shit. Why would the kid want a chain letter to travel around the world indefinately as his "I'm dying of cancer wish". It's not as if you can even track the progress of forwards anyway. Sorry Tony, the buck stops with me!

This list will be ongoing as I inevitably recieve more and more.
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Public Service Announcement [May. 19th, 2007|02:07 pm]
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[Tags|, ]
[Current Location |Bellevue]
[music |Rain]

There seems to be some sort of terrible disease going around that turns your skin the colour of an antique mahogany corner unit and your hair a pallid light yellow hue and dry as straw. It does seem to be more prevalent among young women than men at the moment.

Other possible side affects include:

* Drinking pints of cider and black with a straw

* Mincing like a twat

* Wearing a lot of white, either very short or very low cut. More often than not both.

* Giggling like a prick at the drop of a hat.

* Becoming obsessed with male attention, even the middle aged wankers at your local pubs karaoke night.

* Starting dirty looks matches with grown women you do not even know.

* Getting thrown out of my pub for being under aged regardless of what ID you can provide.
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Things that make you an incredibly annoying myspace/livejournal user [May. 19th, 2007|02:05 pm]
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[Tags|, ]
[Current Location |Bellevue]
[music |Rain]

1)Making you profile private - Dosen't that defeat the point of even having a myspace? No wait, I get it, it's gives the impression that way too many people want to be your friend and you've had to do this! Wow, you are so interesting now...
Customising your page so I don't know what the hell to do with it - Seriously why? Myspace gave you a perfectly acceptable format, I can even understand putting some pretty pictures in the back ground or whatever, but some pages just make no fucking sense. They are inverted and the options all have different names, fuck knows what your clicking on.

2)TyPiNg LiKe tHis?!? - I also include ridiculous spellings in this. Typos I can forgive but some of the fucking shite I have seen people type in this place is absurd. It looks like Klingon for god sake.

3)Not resizing your pictures for the comments board - This paticularly pertains to bands, oh and Jo hehe. Look if you've sent out an invite invitation which took up precious seconds of my time to open and then delete, why the fuck is opening and deleting your ugly fucking comment going to make me anymore likely to show at your rubbish gig? Oh and Jo seriously, resize!

4)People who add you and then just send you adverts - Who spends all of their time doing this? I'm sure it is one man, who doesn't even get paid. He's just a complete cunt who knows exactly how to spoil my day. He is also the same man that cuts me up on rondabouts.

5)Being my friend, getting a myspace/live journal, using it for a bit, then stopping for no reason - Look I refuse to use a mobile phone, period. I'm sorry they managed to dupe you but seriously THEY ARE A COMPLETE RIP OFF AND YOU DON'T ACTUALLY NEED IT!!!! The cost of a mobile phone is fucking ricdiculous especially as you have the internet anyway, email/myspace is free. Also if you just stop using your mobiles they will stop putting up these horrible masts that are killing honey bees and giving people cancer, seriously they are not cool.
Tags: list, myspace
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10 reasons why I should be on the Jeremy Kyle show. [May. 19th, 2007|01:57 pm]
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[Current Location |Bellevue]
[music |Maria Muldaur - don't you feel my leg]

1) My life would be worth watching comprising, as it does, of freaks and misfits.

2) So he can call me a brave lady, or sweet (apparantly too lazy to add the "ie" or "heart".

3) So he can admonish me. Fantastically, and then switch seamlessly from admonishing to straight talk and then affection. PSYCHOLOGY!

4) I want to try and wrestle one of the security staff.

5) So I can tell him I think his brother is a cunt and that his life experiences can not possibly have anything to with me. We are different people, moron!

6) I want to try and get the bitch counsellor and that wanker drugs counsellor to have a fight... maybe get Jeremy to piss on them whilst they fight, haven't decided yet.

7) So I can be white trash.

8) So my family will disown me in shame.

9) So I can systematically destroy every member of that patronising pondlife audience.

10)So I can seduce Jeremy Kyle.
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Word's I still can't spell... [May. 8th, 2007|07:36 pm]
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[mood |sleepysleepy]

Is it bad that I still can't spell them?

1.  Airoplane = Aeroplane.

2. Loverly = Lovely.

3. Orkward = Awkward.  Two W's?!

4. Emmensence or Imensence = Immense

5. Erge = Urge

6. Noursous = Nauseous

7. Treckle = Treacle

8. Chiwawa = Chihuahua

There are probably loads more and this is just my spelling, my prounouncitation (= pronunciation) is even worse! I tend to stick words together. I'll make a note of them in the future for a list.

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6 Dislikes [Apr. 10th, 2007|04:32 pm]
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[mood |soresore]



Things I dislike…

   Okay for starters…Princess Anne and her Rah daughter Zara.  Don’t even get me started about Zara winning ‘Sports personality of the year 2006’… Well actually I will start and I will complain. Right.  

   Hang on though, let’s also see who up for the reward. As it might have been that the BBC was scrapping the barrel and that’s how she won it.
   Okay first up Darren Clarke. He if I remember,  led Europe to victory (in Golf) over the United States in the Ryder Cup just weeks after the death of his wife Heather. Um… at the moment Zara seems a distant toff on the horizon… He says “I know Heather would have wanted me to play so I made myself available [to play].”  As I see it, Clarke had taken so much time out to care for Heather that the Europe team didn’t think he would be trained enough, but Clark insisted he was emotionally ready for the forthcoming Ryder Cup despite losing his wife Heather to cancer the month before.
   Next up was
Beth Tweedle. She won the title of 2006 World Champion in gymnastics.

An ankle injury in early 2006 meant she had to sit out the Commonwealth Games  but went on to get that title in the world championships. While juggling training she is also full-time at Liverpool's St. John Moore university, where she is studying Sport Science.  It was only when she was 7 that she started to go to Athletic club in Crewe.

   Tough competition…. Now Zara won the award 35 years after her mother, the Princess Royal, received the same honour. How nice… What does Zara think about this weird coincidence?  Well she says “For two members of the same family to win the award for the first time is very special," Phillips said. Okay think about what family you are in love! It’s not some normal family living in the suburbs of Birmingham, that would be ‘very special’ if some family like that won an award like that. What you come from is  family were you’re mother was probably riding around her estate when you where in the womb. After you were born, you were probably taken down to your stables and shown the ‘horsies’. Then I’d say at about 4 years old, your Grandmother, the queen, gave you a present of a pony, seeing as you are the first grandchild. Then since then your past-time has become a sport and it’s been ever so easy to ask the stable boy to saddle up your horse to go trotting around you mothers 730 acres Gatcombe estate.  Oh and now that you have a stable boyfriend (pardon the pun) your mother has given you a cottage on her estate, which may I add, include woodland, a lake and (this will really be useful to an athlete…) considerable stabling facilities, including a new stable block.
   Ok so you have won 2 gold medals at the European Eventing Championships but if  people had top quality sporting facilities of their chosen sport on their door stop AND have no job so can the free time to train, I think more people would be winning gold medals don’t you think??!!!

Another pet hate is strangers at parties talking about music.  Now when I’m drunk my opinions become more vivid and angry. However, I like to rant when people are wrong when I’m drunk.  So bring on the guys who talk about music (For some reason girls (in Oxford) never talk about music, well not in a good way anyway). I’m usually around Alex at parties cos I hate talking to strangers sooooo probably because of his hair, people always talk to him about music. Whenever I try and add to the debate, I get this vague stare (I can hear them thinking maybe she read that in a magazine… like Q or The Word….) and they carry on talking to Alex!! ARGH.

So I was driving back to Oxford last night, not many cars around so was going fast-ish. If there is no other cars in the slow lane I make a point about driving in the slow lane at the same fast speed cos there’s no reason to be in either the middle lane or the fast lane if there is no-one around! So when I get to someone in the middle lane and I’m in the slow lane I have to make the annoying effort to cross two lanes to over take!  Why doesn’t that twat just move to the slow lane if there’s no-one in it, you don’t have to slow down, you can actually stay the same speed… idiot.

I’ve been home recently and so has Alex, so I’ve driven to and from his house a lot. I go through this little lane, which in parts can only if one car. How many 4x4s have I seen through these lanes? Well I don’t mind if they are actual farmers, but these cars have no dust on them and defiantly no mud. Also I don’t mind if you live on a side of a mountain where one of the 4x4 would be useful. However, all those massive shiny 4x4s have all indicated to go to Home Farm or Trinity View (A kind of barret housing estate) where the only mountain terrain they see it the steep climb into the double garage and the only dirt they see is if a bird poos on the screen before it’s master hoses it down for the 2nd time that day. Ok, I understand it might come in useful when the river over flows and you have a swamp for a back garden and the road maybe a little flooded. But that would be cos you bought a fucking house on a fucking flood pain you twat. That’s what plains do, flood.

Now less ranty things cos I see this is getting long…. But they need to be said.


-Ugly Betty = On this weeks episode, Betty does something wrong that could jeopardise the magazine, there’s a lot of moaning and panicking, she tells someone her problem then they help, they just about save a disaster and everything’s ok again.

-Avon smell testing pages = Pointless, they smell a little fragrant but mostly of warm, rubbed paper.

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(no subject) [Jan. 29th, 2007|05:06 pm]
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[Tags|, , , ]
[Current Location |Torfaen]
[mood |crazycrazy]
[music |Captain Beefheart]

I love him and I wish I could have met him really really badly. Here are some videos to convince you that your life would have been immeasurably enriched by having had this man in it.

1. Ice Cream for crow...

It's just brilliant, the video, the lyrics and his great face. I love how everyone is having such a good time making that video and also that it features the band holding up some of his art which I am a big fan of. MTV refused to show this video when it was released because it was "too weird", which goes to show that you should never listen to anything a music jounalist says.
I get a sense that Beefheart could have been taking me out for a walk on a sunday as a child and that the sequence of events that the video documents could have happened. Y'know how grandparents sing songs for their grandchildren? Don't you think Beffhearts would have been the best?

Best Bits:
00:23 - "the moon's so full, white hat on a pumpkin"... Uh, whaaa?
01:10 - "Ice cream by night, sun cream by day"...Well obviously!?(about here the guitarists hat flies of for some reason.)
01:30 - Beefheart does an exotic wavy arm dance and then impersonates a crow.
02:10 - "crow pants the scarecrow, crow dance ah ho ho, crow dance ah panther, scare crow you answer"...When he says panther he does a little panter claw
02:55 - Beefheart gives the camera a stange pensive look.
04:06 - Guitarist rolls around the floor

2. Sure 'nuff 'n' yes I do

This is Beefheart when he was much younger. I recomend a generous measure of Bulleit Bourbon whiskey and your favourite smoke when listening to this... Heaven. Also something to show your friends and say, "wasn't my grandad better than yours?".

Best bits:

Seeing Zappa and Beefheart together is quite possibly the best thing on earth.

3. Click Clack

This song really harkens back to the blues greats like Muddy Waters and Howlin' Wolf.

Best Bits:

His awesome cape that looks like Sian could have embroidered it.

The drum beat makes me want to get up and dance.

4. Ashtray Heart

CASE OF THE PUNKS! God I love 80's Beefheart... I've got to admit that I love all of it, but you've got to give a wry smile to all the punks who thought that the Butthole surfers and Devo were a massive revelation in the '80s and this guy had been doing what he was doing since the '60s.

Best Bits:

"I feel like a glass shrimp in a pink panty, With a saccharine chaperone"... um, yeah. Sure you do.

The synth interludes are great.

5. This Is The Day

Before you listen to this song I want you to acknowlege the lunacy you have already experienced and then prepare yourself for the most beautiful song (in my opinion) ever.

Best Bits:

"This is the day that love came to play,
the day that love came to stay.
One minute here, one minute there,
love spent time everywhere.
This day that love came to play.

This is the day that love came to play,
the day that love came to stay.
This kiss is for the first time and this kiss is for that time.
Love to ride, love to ride.... Guitar/flute solo

This is the day that love came to play,
the day that love came to stay.
One minute here one minute there,
love spent time everywhere,
this day that love came to play.... harmonica solo
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13 polite things to say. [Jan. 27th, 2007|12:11 am]
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[Tags|, , , ]
[Current Location |Upper Cwmbran]
[mood |creative]
[music |Messenger dinging]

I immediately liked this suggestion. Kudos to Mr Canaday. As an excellent barmaid, amiable person and all round good egg I (unsurprisingly) have a lot to say about the declining standard of the average persons manners. For example there is a young man that comes into the pub that I work in who actually just grunts. I can never understand what he is saying to me. I walked by him in the street the other day, I live in a village where everybody knows each other and it is therefore polite to say hello, he actually said “URGH!”. Here is a guide to politeness for the socially retarded.

1) Meeting New People: First of all whatever it is you are saying, even if it is the most inappropriate comment or social gaff, smile! It lessens the impact of your flat footed verbal fumbling. Smiling is so important, it puts other people at ease and also endears you. Plus it’s easy to distinguish try hard poseurs in a group, as they are the ones that never smile. As Crosby, Stills and Nash wrote, “If you smile at me I will understand, because that is something everybody everywhere does in the same language.”

2) To your grandmother: “No I can’t smell wee at all!”

3) In a shop: Good God! From those of us that have worked in convenience retail here is a big fuck you world! Sorry that wasn’t very polite was it? But it is true, you people are so rude and you think it’s ok? Are you even aware that we barely make minimum wage? How enthusiastic would you be in those circumstances? Then put your sniping and ungrateful face in the picture, do you see how much I am hating my life right now? Just remember the employees also have to serve other people, surprisingly enough they have to serve everybody that comes in to the shop NOT JUST YOU. To encourage the shop assistant into dealing with you considerately and effectively let them know you realise this, “Sorry to bother you” or even a simple “excuse me”. You do not work in the shop, therefore by default your life is better. If you do not give them sufficient reason not to, they will try their best to make your life as miserable as theirs for the short time that they have the opportunity.

4)To the tax inspector: “Would you like to use my abacus?”

5) Bumping into an old friend: This seems to be happening more and more on the internet for me, more specifically on face book. I’m starting to hate it. Here it is important to be aware that there is every possibility that someone is going to start harping on to you about school and everything they have been up to since then and you are not going to have a fucking clue who it is. Ahhhhh, just be polite ask them what they’ve been up to and reply in kind. The relationship will probably die on it’s arse again like it did the first time, or you would have stayed in contact all these years right?

6) To your stalker: “My those are smart looking binoculars!”

7) On a first date: Dating eh?! Personally I’d rather contract super-aids than ever go on another “date” ever again. The awkward two second silences that feel like two years. The conversations about poo you wish you had never started! Just me? Never mind then. Personally the most polite thing to say in reference to a date in my opinion is “no thank you!”.

8) At the Dinner table : Compliment the chefs cooking especially if it was you who cooked.

9) At a party: Ask to be directed to wherever the smoking area is (politely!) head straight there until another like minded soul joins you to ask for light. Immediately start maliciously judging all the non-smokers and their smiles, who can dance for a good ten minutes without hacking up a bit of lung.

10)To your tree surgeon: “There are few things as pleasurable as a silver birch in the autumn sunlight”.

11)In The Work Place: Look I know that being polite to the idiots who make your very existence, in the most malodorous place that you could possibly be spending your time, the most gruelling experience that anyone in world has ever endured, but! It is very important to be polite in the work place, most importantly because it makes life so much easier in the long run. No grudges are held or vendettas pursued. What if they get promoted above you? You are screwed! Plus you might actually find that these people may actually have a soul it was just your appalling manners putting them in a perpetual bad mood. Not that I am promising anything… Anywho, try some gentle and encouraging comments, “Well we’re nearly there!” Especially compliment people on their work, it’s so nice when somebody acknowledges your hard work.

12)On the road: I have never fallen prey to the daemon of road rage. I’m pretty Zen-like behind the wheel of a car. I believe manners are very important in being perceived as a good driver. Having the consideration the let people out of junctions before you, pedestrians to cross the road and other road users park in their own time without revving or beeping is very important. These gestures make passengers more relaxed in your car and also help your own blood pressure. If you letting someone out, they can’t cut you up. It is true that wanker on the roundabout will always be there but hey, just forget about it!

13)To your victim: When mugging someone it is very helpful to maintain a polite demeanour, so that you can become a folk hero despite being a THIEVING CRIMINAL. Like Black Bart, Robin Hood or Buster Edwards.

Thanks to Alex for the help and to Aiden for the suggestion
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Fish Galore [Jan. 9th, 2007|12:52 am]
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[mood |tiredtired]


Appearance: Still has the teenage acne at the age of 48 and is thus annoyed about this.
Personality: Has a large chip on his shoulder and if any one crosses him, they're crossed off his Christmas card list for eternity.
Would probably sound like: Grunts but occasionally can be caught humming "Lady in Red".
Suitable Christian name: Arthur

Appearance: Oh God…  looks like Adam Ant…something to do with the eye make-up. That little foot thing at the back is unsettling…looks like it could jump like a flea.
Personality: If human, would probably be head of an organised crime syndicate. This is the 'Don of the Deep'.
Would probably sound like: Marlon Brando. No question.
Suitable Christian name: Guv'nor.

Appearance: Looks…..warm. Might have swallowed a 3-bar electric fire. Seems to have developed a mullet made entirely of fins. Unfashionable, bless, it's clearly an 80's throwback, coloured peach and sporting a mullet.
Personality: Annoyed at having evolved 20 years too late, though it's surviving by attending "80's Nights" at nightclubs across the land.
Would probably sound like: Duran Duran.
Suitable Christian name: Rio.

An attractive fish? A bit of a hottie. Lips look like the end of a balloon.
Personality: Proud of her colours, slim figure and pout. Pretending to be coy, hiding in the coral but she loves the attention from the cameras.
Would probably sound like: Oooooh and smells of Channel no. 5.
Suitable Christian name: Doreen.

Jesus…a tad excitable. Evil Pac man? One of his eyes has prolapsed (never good), and it seems to taper away to nothing. Weird.
Personality: Not pleasant. Constantly hungry…enjoys picking fights, winning fights, and eating fish that lose fights.
Would probably sound like: The theme tune from "The Omen."
Suitable Christian name: Gordon.

Appearance: In need of glasses. Cross-eyed, graceless, in need or a good moisturiser (due to the varicose veins). Despite all this, and the fact that it waddles, its strangely endearing. Has he starred in the Trap Door?
Personality: A bit introverted, still traumatised from his school day taunts due to his appearance.
Would probably sound like: Mumbly and snorts occasionally when he thinks of something funny.
Suitable Christian name: Billy.

Appearance: An air of childlike innocence pervades. Gormless, naïve, fascinated by the camera. Personality: Lacks instinct. Interested in everything even predators mouths, due to this evolution flaw, Joel only has till Tuesday to live.
Would probably sound like: One long vowel, or a sort of dopey exhalation…"Eeeeeeeeehhhhhh." Has a west country accent.
Christian name: Joel.

Appearance: Purest evil. Looks like the mother ship of an evil alien civilization…but with a cataract.
Personality: Aggressive, spiteful, takes pleasure in the suffering it inflicts on others. Hates YOU. Ultimate goal is world domination.  Is slowly evolving legs to walk on.
Would probably sound like: Darth Vader's personal TIE-Fighter.
Suitable Christian name: Dave.

Appearance: Wrong. Just…wrong. Fish don't have legs, do they? Some sort of tripod apparatus is visible, and there's a face like a slice of Hovis.
Personality: Doesn't want anyone stepping on his pieces of sand. A bit territorial…definitely hates children, paperboys, and immigrants.
Would probably sound like: Hateful grumbling…"Grrrrrrrrmph." Imagine an 85-year-old encountering a hummus panini.
Suitable Christian name: Maurice.

Appearance: A stepped-on puffer fish, making half-arsed attempts at a) licking sand and b) camouflaging itself, and achieving neither. Must try harder.
Personality: Not quite all there. Needs special help with tasks. As a Puffer fish Alan hasn't found the inflate button and is now training to be a flat fish.
Would probably sound like: Strangled straining sounds….trying so, so hard, yet being rubbish all the same. "Can't….quite…..lick………sand…..oh damn, I've been spotted by a hulking predator."
Suitable Christian name: Alan.

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