Appearance: Still has the teenage acne at the age of 48 and is thus annoyed about this.
Personality: Has a large chip on his shoulder and if any one crosses him, they're crossed off his Christmas card list for eternity.
Would probably sound like: Grunts but occasionally can be caught humming "Lady in Red".
Suitable Christian name: Arthur
Appearance: Oh God… looks like Adam Ant…something to do with the eye make-up. That little foot thing at the back is unsettling…looks like it could jump like a flea.
Personality: If human, would probably be head of an organised crime syndicate. This is the 'Don of the Deep'.
Would probably sound like: Marlon Brando. No question.
Suitable Christian name: Guv'nor.
Appearance: Looks…..warm. Might have swallowed a 3-bar electric fire. Seems to have developed a mullet made entirely of fins. Unfashionable, bless, it's clearly an 80's throwback, coloured peach and sporting a mullet.
Personality: Annoyed at having evolved 20 years too late, though it's surviving by attending "80's Nights" at nightclubs across the land.
Would probably sound like: Duran Duran.
Suitable Christian name: Rio.
Appearance: An attractive fish? A bit of a hottie. Lips look like the end of a balloon.
Personality: Proud of her colours, slim figure and pout. Pretending to be coy, hiding in the coral but she loves the attention from the cameras.
Would probably sound like: Oooooh and smells of Channel no. 5.
Suitable Christian name: Doreen.
Appearance: Jesus…a tad excitable. Evil Pac man? One of his eyes has prolapsed (never good), and it seems to taper away to nothing. Weird.
Personality: Not pleasant. Constantly hungry…enjoys picking fights, winning fights, and eating fish that lose fights.
Would probably sound like: The theme tune from "The Omen."
Suitable Christian name: Gordon.
Appearance: In need of glasses. Cross-eyed, graceless, in need or a good moisturiser (due to the varicose veins). Despite all this, and the fact that it waddles, its strangely endearing. Has he starred in the Trap Door?
Personality: A bit introverted, still traumatised from his school day taunts due to his appearance.
Would probably sound like: Mumbly and snorts occasionally when he thinks of something funny.
Suitable Christian name: Billy.
Appearance: An air of childlike innocence pervades. Gormless, naïve, fascinated by the camera. Personality: Lacks instinct. Interested in everything even predators mouths, due to this evolution flaw, Joel only has till Tuesday to live.
Would probably sound like: One long vowel, or a sort of dopey exhalation…"Eeeeeeeeehhhhhh." Has a west country accent.
Christian name: Joel.
Appearance: Purest evil. Looks like the mother ship of an evil alien civilization…but with a cataract.
Personality: Aggressive, spiteful, takes pleasure in the suffering it inflicts on others. Hates YOU. Ultimate goal is world domination. Is slowly evolving legs to walk on.
Would probably sound like: Darth Vader's personal TIE-Fighter.
Suitable Christian name: Dave.
Appearance: Wrong. Just…wrong. Fish don't have legs, do they? Some sort of tripod apparatus is visible, and there's a face like a slice of Hovis.
Personality: Doesn't want anyone stepping on his pieces of sand. A bit territorial…definitely hates children, paperboys, and immigrants.
Would probably sound like: Hateful grumbling…"Grrrrrrrrmph." Imagine an 85-year-old encountering a hummus panini.
Suitable Christian name: Maurice.
Appearance: A stepped-on puffer fish, making half-arsed attempts at a) licking sand and b) camouflaging itself, and achieving neither. Must try harder.
Personality: Not quite all there. Needs special help with tasks. As a Puffer fish Alan hasn't found the inflate button and is now training to be a flat fish.
Would probably sound like: Strangled straining sounds….trying so, so hard, yet being rubbish all the same. "Can't….quite…..lick………sand…..oh damn, I've been spotted by a hulking predator."
Suitable Christian name: Alan.