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13 polite things to say. [Jan. 27th, 2007|12:11 am]
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I immediately liked this suggestion. Kudos to Mr Canaday. As an excellent barmaid, amiable person and all round good egg I (unsurprisingly) have a lot to say about the declining standard of the average persons manners. For example there is a young man that comes into the pub that I work in who actually just grunts. I can never understand what he is saying to me. I walked by him in the street the other day, I live in a village where everybody knows each other and it is therefore polite to say hello, he actually said “URGH!”. Here is a guide to politeness for the socially retarded.

1) Meeting New People: First of all whatever it is you are saying, even if it is the most inappropriate comment or social gaff, smile! It lessens the impact of your flat footed verbal fumbling. Smiling is so important, it puts other people at ease and also endears you. Plus it’s easy to distinguish try hard poseurs in a group, as they are the ones that never smile. As Crosby, Stills and Nash wrote, “If you smile at me I will understand, because that is something everybody everywhere does in the same language.”

2) To your grandmother: “No I can’t smell wee at all!”

3) In a shop: Good God! From those of us that have worked in convenience retail here is a big fuck you world! Sorry that wasn’t very polite was it? But it is true, you people are so rude and you think it’s ok? Are you even aware that we barely make minimum wage? How enthusiastic would you be in those circumstances? Then put your sniping and ungrateful face in the picture, do you see how much I am hating my life right now? Just remember the employees also have to serve other people, surprisingly enough they have to serve everybody that comes in to the shop NOT JUST YOU. To encourage the shop assistant into dealing with you considerately and effectively let them know you realise this, “Sorry to bother you” or even a simple “excuse me”. You do not work in the shop, therefore by default your life is better. If you do not give them sufficient reason not to, they will try their best to make your life as miserable as theirs for the short time that they have the opportunity.

4)To the tax inspector: “Would you like to use my abacus?”

5) Bumping into an old friend: This seems to be happening more and more on the internet for me, more specifically on face book. I’m starting to hate it. Here it is important to be aware that there is every possibility that someone is going to start harping on to you about school and everything they have been up to since then and you are not going to have a fucking clue who it is. Ahhhhh, just be polite ask them what they’ve been up to and reply in kind. The relationship will probably die on it’s arse again like it did the first time, or you would have stayed in contact all these years right?

6) To your stalker: “My those are smart looking binoculars!”

7) On a first date: Dating eh?! Personally I’d rather contract super-aids than ever go on another “date” ever again. The awkward two second silences that feel like two years. The conversations about poo you wish you had never started! Just me? Never mind then. Personally the most polite thing to say in reference to a date in my opinion is “no thank you!”.

8) At the Dinner table : Compliment the chefs cooking especially if it was you who cooked.

9) At a party: Ask to be directed to wherever the smoking area is (politely!) head straight there until another like minded soul joins you to ask for light. Immediately start maliciously judging all the non-smokers and their smiles, who can dance for a good ten minutes without hacking up a bit of lung.

10)To your tree surgeon: “There are few things as pleasurable as a silver birch in the autumn sunlight”.

11)In The Work Place: Look I know that being polite to the idiots who make your very existence, in the most malodorous place that you could possibly be spending your time, the most gruelling experience that anyone in world has ever endured, but! It is very important to be polite in the work place, most importantly because it makes life so much easier in the long run. No grudges are held or vendettas pursued. What if they get promoted above you? You are screwed! Plus you might actually find that these people may actually have a soul it was just your appalling manners putting them in a perpetual bad mood. Not that I am promising anything… Anywho, try some gentle and encouraging comments, “Well we’re nearly there!” Especially compliment people on their work, it’s so nice when somebody acknowledges your hard work.

12)On the road: I have never fallen prey to the daemon of road rage. I’m pretty Zen-like behind the wheel of a car. I believe manners are very important in being perceived as a good driver. Having the consideration the let people out of junctions before you, pedestrians to cross the road and other road users park in their own time without revving or beeping is very important. These gestures make passengers more relaxed in your car and also help your own blood pressure. If you letting someone out, they can’t cut you up. It is true that wanker on the roundabout will always be there but hey, just forget about it!

13)To your victim: When mugging someone it is very helpful to maintain a polite demeanour, so that you can become a folk hero despite being a THIEVING CRIMINAL. Like Black Bart, Robin Hood or Buster Edwards.

Thanks to Alex for the help and to Aiden for the suggestion